Surviving narcissistic abuse changes you, no matter how much you might think it doesn’t. You can find it challenging to determine what you as an individual want, rather than what you should want to avoid making the ‘wrong’ choice. Traditional goal setting is also not always suitable for abuse survivors because it ignores their loss of self-trust and healing from their trauma.
If you’re trying to get your life back on track after living with a narcissist, how you set goals for your new life may require a slightly different approach than normal. Keep reading to learn how you can get started.
Why Is Goal-Setting So Hard After Abuse?
Mental health conditions are already prevalent in our community. For example, 5.7% of Bondi Junction residents report a mental health condition. When you live with someone with narcissistic personality disorder (NPD), you can experience long-term emotional trauma that leads to mental health conditions like complex PTSD, low self-esteem, anxiety, and depression. These conditions alone can make it challenging to set goals.
However, mental health conditions aren’t the only barrier. Experiencing narcissistic abuse often means gaslighting, chronic self-doubt, and having your personal needs and desires suppressed. You live in survival mode, rather than in an environment of choice, and are punished for having ambitions and autonomy.
As a result, you don’t always know what to say when someone asks you what you want. You may even set your goals based on others’ approval, or abandon them because you feel ashamed or overwhelmed.
Start with Goals that Make You Feel Safe
Setting ambitious goals can be overwhelming for someone who has never felt safe to make decisions for themselves. That’s why starting with goals that prioritize your safety is important. Rather than thinking about what you want to achieve in life, ask what helps you feel emotionally safe, and what boundaries you need to protect your energy.
Your very first goals should focus on feeling stable and rebuilding your sense of safety, rather than grabbing life by the horns. Something as simple as ‘I will say no without over-explaining’ is a great first goal.
Focus On Identity-Based Goals, Not Outcomes
After experiencing abuse and beginning your healing journey, outcome-based goals can feel overwhelming. ‘I want a successful career’ can have so many steps that you feel overwhelmed and give up on that goal altogether.
Restore your identity by setting identity-based goals. Rather than saying that you want a successful career, revise that goal to say that you want to be someone who values meaningful work. Goals that focus on your identity reduce pressure and may help you build trust and faith in yourself.
Set Trauma-Aware Goals
Trauma-aware goals are about holistic healing and empowerment. As a result, the goals you set should be flexible, person-centered, and paced to avoid retraumatization. As you start healing from your narcissistic abuse, try setting goals in three trauma-aware categories: self-trust, growth, and nervous system.
A self-trust goal could be to make one decision for yourself each day that doesn’t require external validation. In growth, you could set a goal related to education, career, relationships, or creativity. When focusing on your nervous system, a goal could be to improve your sleep, explore grounding practices, or reduce contact with people who trigger you.
Setting life goals after surviving narcissistic abuse isn’t about taking your career to new heights, buying a significant asset, or accumulating mass wealth. It’s about finding out who you are without external input and protecting your energy and sense of safety. The more achievable the goals you set as you embark on your healing journey, the more satisfaction you can gain from achieving them and getting your life back on track.
Carla Corelli, a writer, advocate, and survivor of narcissistic abuse, draws from her own upbringing with a narcissistic father to shed light on psychological trauma. Fueled by her personal journey, she pursued a degree in psychology and has dedicated herself to shedding light on the complexities of narcissistic abuse.
With over fifteen years of experience in writing and advocating for survivors, Carla is deeply committed to providing support, education, and empowerment to those who have endured similar trauma. Through her articles, Carla aims to offer a compassionate space for healing and growth, while advocating for greater awareness and understanding of narcissistic abuse.
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