What is a fauxpology?
The fauxpology is a type of apology where the person doing the apologizing does not actually feel sorry for what they have done. It is sometimes used by people who do not want to apologize but are forced to do so by circumstances or to save face. Their words might initially appear to be an apology, but once you peel away the layers all you find are excuses or manipulation.
Narcissists are masters at the art of deflection, and they wield fauxpologies like a weapon. Their apologies are usually designed to blame others, or to make you feel guilty for having had the audacity to get offended or to call out their bad behaviour.
Examples of fauxpology
“I am sorry you think that I am such a bad wife.”
“I’m sorry that you are so insecure that you think that when I talk to other women I am flirting.”
“I am sorry that I am so much better at this than you are.”
“I am sorry that you think that my words were meant to be insulting.”
Sometimes the evidence of a fauxpology does not lie in the words said, but by how they are said. The tone can be sarcastic or so flowery as to make it clear that it is meant to humiliate the recipient. Alternatively the body language can advertise the apologiser’s true intentions.
I once saw my boss make a fauxpology that I feel was even more insulting than the original behaviour. He stuck his hands together like he was praying, and then bowed like he was praying in church. It was clearly an act designed to show his total contempt for the person he was supposedly apologizing to.
How to deal with an insincere apology
It’s normal to feel hurt when someone apologizes to you but doesn’t seem sincere. However, if you are dealing with a narcissist then you have to accept that their lack of empathy and total self-absorption means that it is impossible for them to feel real regret. Instead of wasting your energy feeling upset about their behaviour, work on insulating yourself from them, so they will never be able to hurt you again.
For Further Reading:
You might also want to check out the following posts about the different abuse tactics in the Narcissist’s toolbox:
- Abuse by Proxy
- Ambient Abuse
- Coercive Control
- Divide and Conquer
- Enmeshment
- Fauxpology
- Flying Monkeys
- Future Faking
- Gaslighting
- Love Bombing
- Narcissist Discard
- Narcissist Hoovering
- Narcissistic Triangulation
- Narcissistic Abuse
- Narcissistic Abuse Syndrome
- Narcissistic Family Roles
- Narcissistic FOG
- Narcissistic Grooming
- Narcissistic Projection
- Narcissistic Rage
- Narcissistic Smear Campaign
- Narcissistic Word Salad
- Parental Alienation
- 7 Types of Narcissistic Abuse with Practical Examples
- The 10 Stages of Healing After Narcissistic Abuse
- 13 Warning Signs of Narcissistic Abuse: How to Deal with It and Get Help
- Flying Monkeys in the World of Narcissism: What They Are and How to Deal with Them
- Gaslighting Defined – How Can You Tell If Your Partner Is Gaslighting You?
- Why Narcissists String Along their Exes and Never Cut Them Loose
- Understanding the Cycle of Emotional Abuse – The Red Flags of a Toxic Relationship
And finally, this is my story. I was the scapegoat daughter of a narcissistic father.
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