A narcissistic mother has a profoundly damaging effect on her daughter, inflicting serious psychological trauma on her child as she grows up.
The impact on the children lasts well into adulthood, when they struggle with issues such as low self-esteem, difficulty making decisions, lack of trust in others and difficulty establishing healthy relationships with partners or friends.
Let’s explore the impact a narcissistic mother can have on her daughter, and how the adult child of a narcissist can cope with the effects of this kind of abuse.
The Narcissistic Mother
A narcissistic mother consistently places her personal needs and desires above those of her daughter.
She will not hesitate to belittle her own child, either overtly or subtly, as a means to inflate her own ego and assert dominance.
In such a family dynamic, the welfare and requirements of the child are frequently overlooked, overshadowed by the mother’s self-interests.
The child’s rights to express their thoughts, feelings, and individuality are often suppressed or outright dismissed.
The effects of a narcissistic mother are thus far-reaching and influence every facet of her daughter’s life well into adulthood, from her interpersonal relationships to her professional achievements.
A Narcissistic Mother Wants to Control her Daughter
A narcissistic mother, driven by an insatiable need for control and dominance, will go to great lengths to manipulate her daughter’s life, dictating her decisions, emotions, and actions.
This pervasive influence is not merely limited to the daughter’s choices, but extends into every facet of her life, creating a suffocating environment where the mother’s voice drowns out the daughter’s own.
This form of maternal narcissism often manifests itself through unsolicited advice, criticism, and constant belittlement of the daughter’s achievements.
These mothers are experts at undermining their daughters’ self-esteem, perpetuating a cycle of self-doubt and insecurity that serves to bolster their position of power.
The tools of a narcissistic mother’s trade are psychological manipulation and mind games, carefully crafted to pit siblings against each other, or induce feelings of guilt or inadequacy in their daughters.
This divide-and-conquer strategy serves to isolate the daughter, making her more susceptible to the mother’s influence and control.
The ultimate objective of a narcissistic mother is not merely control, but total submission.
She wants to cultivate a sense of unquestioning obedience and unwavering allegiance within her daughter, so that she becomes a mere extension of the mother’s will.
Destruction of the Daughter’s Sense of Self-Worth
However, this unyielding quest for control comes with a significant cost.
It hinders the development of crucial traits such as independence, self-assurance, and a healthy sense of self-worth.
The daughter, constantly under the shadow of her narcissistic mother, struggles to develop her identity, her confidence crippled by a lifetime of manipulation and control.
This is more than just a power play. It’s a form of emotional coercion that stifles the daughter’s growth and personal development.
The daughter is left feeling trapped in a toxic relationship, her individuality suppressed, and her potential unrealized.
This damaging dynamic can have long-lasting effects, often extending into adulthood and affecting the daughter’s future relationships and self-perception.
A Narcissistic Mother Lacks Empathy
A narcissistic mother often has a profound lack of empathy, particularly towards her daughter.
This deficiency in understanding and sharing the feelings of others is not just a mere oversight, but rather a defining trait that colors every interaction she has with her child.
Such a mother is typically indifferent or even oblivious to her daughter’s emotional struggles and experiences.
She remains detached from the emotional landscape of her child, displaying a startling lack of sensitivity to the daughter’s needs, desires, and feelings.
This emotional disconnect can be deeply distressing for the daughter, who yearns for understanding and validation from her primary caregiver.
The narcissist mother’s responses to her daughter’s expressions of emotion can range from dismissive to manipulative.
Rather than providing comfort or guidance, she often resorts to gaslighting tactics, subtly making the daughter question the validity of her own emotions.
The daughter is left feeling unseen, unvalidated, and unheard, her feelings trivialized and her experiences belittled.
This emotional neglect is further exacerbated by harsh criticism or blatant disregard for her daughter’s achievements and personal growth.
Where most parents would celebrate their child’s successes and milestones, a narcissistic mother often downplays or outright ignores them, leaving the daughter feeling isolated and rejected.
Such behavior fosters a deep sense of insecurity within the mother-daughter relationship.
The lack of empathy creates an environment that is toxic and damaging to the daughter’s emotional wellbeing.
It breeds self-doubt and self-criticism, hindering the daughter’s ability to form healthy, reciprocal relationships.
As a result, the daughter is likely to struggle to trust others, fearing rejection or ridicule, and may find it challenging to express her emotions openly and honestly.
A Narcissistic Mother has Unrealistic Expectations
A narcissistic mother often sets unrealistic expectations for her daughter, creating a high-pressure environment where the standards are impossible to meet.
These expectations aren’t just ambitious. They are frequently unreasonable and far beyond the reach of any child, regardless of their abilities or efforts.
A Recipe for Failure
In this distorted reality, every achievement of the daughter, no matter how significant, is seen as insufficient.
Whether it’s academic success, personal growth, or creative accomplishments, the narcissistic mother responds with indifference or even irritation.
Instead of celebrating her daughter’s milestones, she trivializes them, dismissing the hard work and dedication that went into achieving them.
This lack of recognition and constant belittling can have a profound impact on the daughter’s self-perception.
Damage to the Daughter’s Self-Esteem
The persistent absence of genuine acceptance and affection from her primary caregiver prompts the daughter to question her own worth repeatedly.
She may start to believe that she is never good enough, no matter how much she achieves or how hard she tries.
Over time, this situation fosters a deep-seated insecurity within the daughter.
Her self-esteem is eroded, not by occasional failures but by the relentless pressure to meet unattainable standards.
This pressure, combined with the absence of emotional support, inflicts long-term damage to her sense of self-worth.
It becomes a perpetual cycle – the daughter strives to meet the insurmountable standards set by her mother, falls short every time, and ends up reinforcing her doubts about her own capabilities and worth.
The daughter ends us constantly seeking approval and validation, trapped in a toxic pattern of striving for an impossible goal.
A Narcissistic Mother and Her Daughter are Often Codependent
This dynamic is far from the norm. It is a dysfunctional bond that is more about control and dependency than love and support.
FOG – Fear, Obligation and Guilt
The daughter is expected not just to obey, but to anticipate and fulfill the mother’s needs, often at the expense of her own.
This manipulation is not limited to tangible task. It extends to emotional needs as well, with the daughter often feeling responsible for her mother’s emotional well-being.
The daughter, caught in this web of manipulation and control, becomes what is known as a ‘parentified’ child.
She takes on an inappropriate level of responsibility, caring for her mother’s needs while neglecting her own.
Despite her efforts, she is painfully aware that nothing she does can ever truly satisfy her mother.
No achievement is significant enough, no act of service generous enough to win her mother’s approval.
Destruction of the Daughter’s Sense of Autonomy
This constant struggle for acceptance and validation erodes the daughter’s sense of autonomy.
She begins to believe that her value lies solely in her ability to please her mother.
Her self-worth becomes intrinsically tied to her mother’s whims and moods, leaving her feeling powerless and trapped.
Moreover, this dynamic can lead to feelings of guilt, shame, and inadequacy that persist well into adulthood. The daughter, conditioned to prioritize her mother’s needs over her own, often struggles to form healthy, balanced relationships.
A Narcissistic Mother is Incapable of Unconditional Love
A narcissistic mother, owing to her self-centered and egotistical nature, is often incapable of providing unconditional love to her daughter.
In the narcissistic mother’s eyes, her daughter’s worth is conditional and highly dependent on her ability to meet stringent criteria.
She may only show affection or approval if her daughter is successful, attractive, or behaves in a manner that aligns with her own expectations.
This ‘love’ is not based on the child’s inherent value as a person, but rather on how well she can reflect positively on her mother.
The Trophy Child
The daughter, in this scenario, becomes more of a trophy than a child.
She is valued not for who she is, but for how well she can bolster her mother’s image.
Her worth is tied to her ability to shine a favorable light on her mother, whether it’s through academic achievements, physical appearance, or social standing.
The psychological consequences of being raised in such a conditional and demanding environment can be severe.
The child often develops an intense fear of failure or rejection, as they’ve been conditioned to associate these experiences with loss of love and approval.
Moreover, the child may feel a constant sense of guilt, as they are made to believe that they are responsible for their mother’s happiness.
This guilt, coupled with the fear of losing their mother’s ‘love’, can create a toxic cycle of self-doubt and self-criticism.
Narcissistic Mothers are Ambient Abusers
This form of abuse, while less overt than physical or verbal abuse, can be just as damaging due to its insidious nature.
In this toxic atmosphere, emotional manipulation and psychological torment are the norm, not the exception.
The narcissistic mother may portray herself as a victim, subtly shifting the responsibility onto her daughter to ‘rescue’ her.
This role reversal is a calculated strategy designed to exploit the daughter’s emotions and sense of duty.
The daughter, believing her mother’s well-being to be her responsibility, may feel powerless and guilt-ridden.
She may find herself always trying to appease her mother, acquiescing to her demands, and striving to prevent any conflict or displeasure.
This manipulation exploits the daughter’s love and empathy, trapping her in a cycle of constant appeasement and self-sacrifice.
The daughters experience profound loneliness and emotional deprivation.
They are starved of genuine affection, support, and validation – the cornerstones of healthy parent-child relationships.
Narcissistic Mothers are Jealous of Their Daughters
Narcissistic mothers, driven by their own insecurities and need for dominance, often harbor feelings of jealousy towards their daughters.
This jealousy is not a fleeting emotion but rather a persistent undercurrent that colors every interaction and defines the mother-daughter relationship.
Competing With Her Own Child
Instead of offering nurturing guidance and support, the narcissistic mother perceives her daughter as a competitor and potential threat.
The idea that her daughter could outshine her, whether in terms of physical attractiveness or professional success, is unbearable to her.
This perceived threat triggers an intense jealousy that often manifests as criticism and competition.
This jealousy leads to a pattern of behavior characterized by harsh criticism and constant belittlement.
The narcissistic mother will not hesitate to resort to body shaming, nitpicking, and even outright insults in an effort to undermine her daughter’s self-confidence.
She will exaggerate or even invent flaws, using them as ammunition in her ongoing campaign to maintain her perceived superiority.
No comment is too harsh, no criticism too severe when it comes to preserving her own ego.
The narcissistic mother feels compelled to tear down her daughter in order to prop up her own fragile self-esteem.
This destructive behavior creates a toxic environment of constant tension and emotional distress for the daughter.
The home, which should be a haven of love and support, becomes a battlefield where the daughter must constantly defend herself against her mother’s attacks.
The Long-Term Effects of Growing Up With a Narcissistic Mother
Growing up with a narcissistic mother inevitably has a damaging and long-lasting impact on the emotional and mental health of her daughter.
This kind of relationship can lead to various psychological issues that persist into adulthood, such as feelings of insecurity, low self-esteem, emotional instability and difficulty in forming meaningful relationships.
In extreme cases, it can even result in depression or anxiety disorders.
The Daughter of a Narcissistic Mother Develops a Fearful Avoidant Attachment Style
A narcissist mother does not express unconditional love and affection to her daughter.
As far as she is concerned, her daughter is simply an extension of herself and exists to meet her needs.
She may even see showing her any kind of love or affection as a sign of weakness.
As a result the child does not feel safe or secure in her relationship with her mother, so she learns to protect herself by distancing herself emotionally.
This leads to her forming a fearful avoidant attachment style, which she unfortunately carries with her into adulthood.
The impact of a fearful avoidant attachment style is significant, because it makes it very difficult for these women to trust others and bond with them.
They have a deep fear of rejection and abandonment, and as a result, they find it difficult to let anyone get too close.
They also find it difficult to open up and share their feelings, and are hypervigilant and constantly on guard.
This puts a lot of pressure on their relationships and can make it very difficult to sustain them, leading to a cycle of unhealthy relationships where the individual is constantly searching for something that they are afraid they will never find.
The Daughter of a Narcissistic Mother Struggles to Set Boundaries
Another impact of having a narcissistic mother is that her daughter will have difficulty setting boundaries.
Narcissistic mothers expect their daughters to meet their every need, and will get angry or sulky if they don’t.
They often want to live vicariously through their daughters, and will push them to achieve things that their mothers were themselves never able to.
The result is that the daughter grows up feeling guilty if she says no or sets any kind of boundary.
She is trained to feel guilty for disappointing her mother if she doesn’t do what she wants or meet her expectations.
This often leads to the child becoming a people-pleaser who struggles to assert herself.
As a result, when the girl grows up, she will tend to find it difficult to say no to people in general, which of course leads to problems in both her personal and professional life.
Daughters of narcissistic mothers also often have difficulty setting boundaries with their own children.
They may find themselves constantly giving in to their demands, even when they are not really sure if it is the right thing to do.
The result is that they can end up feeling overwhelmed and resentful, and their own children may also struggle to develop a healthy sense of self-esteem and boundary setting skills.
Thus, the intergenerational trauma gets passed on from one generation to the next.
The Daughter of a Narcissistic Mother is at Risk of Becoming Codependent
Daughters of narcissistic mothers often struggle with seeking approval from others due to lack of approval from their mothers growing up.
They have difficulty forming healthy relationships as adults because they are constantly looking for the validation that they were never given by their mothers during childhood.
This need for approval can lead them down unhealthy paths such as trying too hard at work or getting into bad relationships just for the sake of companionship.
In fact, one of the dangers of being raised by a narcissistic mother is that you can become codependent.
What is Codependency?
Codependency occurs when you have an unhealthy dependence on someone else, usually someone who is emotionally unavailable or abusive.
The result is an unhealthy and unbalanced relationship where one person is always giving and the other is always taking.
Codependency usually starts in childhood, when a child has an emotionally unavailable or abusive parent.
The child learns that it is their job to keep their parent happy, so they become overly compliant and accommodating.
They may even feel responsible for their parent’s happiness and go out of their way to try and meet their needs.
When they grow up, these codependent daughters of narcissistic mothers become more vulnerable to unhealthy relationships and inner struggles.
They often struggle to trust their own judgment, or even recognize their own needs.
As adults, they find themselves seeking approval from others in unhealthy ways, such as indulging them in inappropriate requests or sacrificing their own boundaries out of a need to please.
They may also experience difficulty expressing emotion, leading to a suppressed anger that can lead to depression or anxiety.
The Daughter of a Narcissistic Mother is a Risk of Becoming a Narcissist Herself
One of the most damaging things about having a narcissistic mother is that her daughter is at risk of becoming a narcissist herself.
This is because she has learned from her mother that the only way to get love and attention is to be perfect.
She has also learned that it is acceptable to use people to meet her own needs, and that it is okay to manipulate and control others.
As a result, she may begin to display narcissistic traits such as entitlement, a lack of empathy and an inability to take responsibility for her own actions.
She may also find herself attracted to partners who are narcissistic, as they will be able to understand and relate to her in a way that other people can’t.
It’s important for daughters who were raised by narcissistic mothers to learn how to recognize these behaviours in themselves and others, so that they don’t repeat the same patterns later on in life.
Learning how to build healthy boundaries and practice self-care are also essential steps towards healing from this type of upbringing and developing into an emotionally mature adult capable of forming positive relationships with other people.
How to Deal with Your Narcissistic Mother
Navigating a relationship with a narcissistic mother can be extremely challenging.
Below are some tips on how to effectively manage this difficult dynamic.
One of the first steps to dealing with a narcissistic mother is setting clear and firm boundaries.
Narcissists have no respect for the personal boundaries of others.
It’s crucial to clearly communicate your limits regarding what behaviors you will tolerate, what topics are off-limits for discussion, and how much time and energy you’re willing to devote to the relationship.
Remember, it’s okay to say no and protect your mental and emotional health.
Dealing with a narcissistic mother can be emotionally draining.
It’s essential to prioritize self-care and ensure you’re looking after your physical, mental, and emotional well-being.
This could mean taking time out for relaxation, engaging in activities you enjoy, or seeking professional help like therapy or counseling.
Seek Support from Others
It’s important not to isolate yourself when dealing with a narcissistic mother.
Reach out to trusted friends, family members, or support groups who understand your situation and can provide advice, comfort, and validation.
Sharing your experiences with others who have been in similar situations can also provide a sense of solidarity and understanding.
Let Go of Guilt
Narcissistic mothers are experts at manipulating emotions, and guilt is a common tool they use.
It’s important to recognize this and let go of any feelings of guilt.
Remember, it’s not your responsibility to meet all of your mother’s needs, and you’re not obligated to sacrifice your own happiness and well-being.
Limit Contact If Necessary
In some cases, limiting contact may be necessary for your mental and emotional health.
It may also be helpful to limit conversations to neutral topics to avoid conflict.
This doesn’t necessarily mean cutting off all contact, but rather reducing the frequency or duration of interactions.
Understand the Narcissistic Behavior
Understanding narcissism can help you cope with your mother’s behavior.
Recognize that her actions and attitudes are a reflection of her own insecurities and fears, not a reflection of your worth.
This understanding can help you depersonalize her behavior and reduce its impact on your self-esteem.
How to Heal From The Trauma of a Narcissistic Mother
The trauma of growing up with a narcissistic mother can be difficult to overcome.
Thankfully, there are options available to help you heal from the effects of being raised by a narcissistic parent.
Let’s take a look at some of these strategies that can help daughters of narcissistic mothers begin their journey toward recovery.
Acknowledge Your Feelings and Take Time for Yourself
The first step in healing from the trauma caused by a narcissistic mother is to recognize and acknowledge your feelings.
It’s important to give yourself space and time to process your emotions without feeling ashamed or guilty about them.
Taking time for yourself allows you to reflect on your experiences, helping you gain clarity on what happened and how it has affected your life.
Find Healthy Ways To Express Your Emotions
Once you have acknowledged your feelings, it’s important to find healthy ways to express them.
Writing down your thoughts and feelings can be an effective way to release any emotions that are pent up inside of you.
Talking with friends or family members who understand what you are going through can also be helpful in releasing any built-up emotions or frustrations.
Engaging in activities like yoga, meditation, or journaling can also help you work through any unresolved issues or traumas that may be causing stress and anxiety.
Seek Professional Help
Seeking professional help is often a crucial step towards healing from childhood trauma caused by a narcissistic mother.
It’s important to remember that everyone’s healing journey is unique, and what works for one person might not work for another.
The key is to find a therapeutic approach and a mental health professional who makes you feel comfortable, understood, and supported.
It may also be helpful to read books and reputable online resources about narcissistic mothers to better understand your experiences and prepare for therapy.
The following are some therapeutic approaches that have been found to be effective when dealing with childhood trauma.
Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT)
Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT) is a therapeutic approach that can be highly beneficial in addressing the damaging thought patterns that have emerged from being raised by a narcissistic mother.
This therapy primarily focuses on identifying these cognitive distortions – irrational or exaggerated thought patterns – and teaching you how to effectively challenge and replace them.
Through CBT, you gain a deeper understanding of how your thoughts, emotions, and behaviours are interconnected.
It equips you with practical strategies to disrupt negative thought cycles and replace them with healthier, more positive ones.
This process can significantly contribute to enhancing your self-esteem, improving your emotional regulation, and fostering more adaptive coping mechanisms for dealing with past trauma and present challenges.
Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing (EMDR)
Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing (EMDR) is a unique form of psychotherapy that aims to alleviate the distress associated with traumatic memories.
It’s particularly effective in addressing trauma, including the long-term effects of growing up with a narcissistic mother.
In EMDR, the therapist guides you to recall distressing events while simultaneously undergoing bilateral sensory input, such as side-to-side eye movements, hand tapping, or auditory tones.
This process aids in the reprocessing of traumatic memories, helping you to understand and assimilate these experiences in a healthier manner.
Through EMDR, you can move past the emotional impact of these memories, reducing their power to trigger distressing thoughts and reactions.
The goal is to help you view past experiences in a new light, fostering resilience and promoting more adaptive responses to future challenges.
Trauma-Focused Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (TF-CBT)
Trauma-Focused Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (TF-CBT) is a specialized therapeutic approach that addresses the emotional and psychological impact of trauma.
TF-CBT integrates the principles of Cognitive Behavioral Therapy with techniques tailored for trauma survivors.
It aims to help you comprehend and manage your emotional responses to distressing memories.
This therapy focuses on helping you identify and challenge distorted thoughts related to the traumatic experiences, promoting healthier thought patterns and coping mechanisms.
It encourages a shift from a trauma-focused mindset to a more balanced and positive perspective, fostering personal growth and healing.
Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT)
DBT integrates the core principles of Cognitive Behavioural Therapy with mindfulness techniques derived from Buddhist meditative practices.
This unique blend allows you to gain better control over your emotions and actions, reducing impulsive responses and promoting a more balanced way of dealing with distressing situations.
Through DBT, you’ll learn skills related to mindfulness, emotional regulation, distress tolerance, and interpersonal effectiveness.
These skills can help you navigate through emotional turmoil, improve your interactions with others, and cultivate a healthier relationship with yourself.
Overall, DBT provides a comprehensive toolkit for personal growth and emotional resilience.
Group therapy can serve as a powerful platform for healing, particularly for individuals who have experienced similar types of trauma.
By sharing your experiences with others who have had similar experiences, you can find solace, diminish feelings of loneliness, and learn diverse strategies for addressing challenges.
In a group therapy setting, participants can validate each other’s experiences, creating an environment of mutual understanding and empathy. As a result, participants no longer feel isolated and misunderstood.
Moreover, hearing others’ perspectives and coping strategies can help broaden your own approach to problem-solving.
It can be incredibly empowering to see how others navigate similar issues, providing inspiration and practical insights for your own journey.
Group therapy fosters a sense of community, resilience, and collective healing, making it a valuable resource in the recovery process.
It is undeniable that the consequences of a narcissistic mother’s behaviour can be dramatic and life-altering. The mother’s words and actions shape her daughter’s life for many years to come, affecting her relationships, work performance, overall perspective and self-worth.
The lasting effects of this kind of upbringing can have severe consequences even in adulthood if not properly addressed.
However, it is possible for daughters of narcissistic mothers to learn coping mechanisms and healing strategies that can help them move past the pain of their upbringing.
With guidance from qualified professionals, these daughters can find ways to create a more positive and fulfilling life away from the overpowering influence of their narcissistic mother.
It is never too late to start taking control of one’s life and follow a path towards peace and self-acceptance.
Frequently Asked Questions about the Daughter of a Narcissistic Mother
How does a narcissistic mother behave?
Narcissistic mothers often manipulate their children’s feelings for their own benefit.
They belittle them to feel superior, and rarely show genuine empathy or unconditional love.
They also often have totally unrealistic expectations of their children.
What does a narcissistic mother do to her daughter?
A narcissistic mother will abuse her daughter, using tactics such as emotional manipulation and constant criticism.
As a result her daughter experiences feelings of inadequacy, emotional neglect, and a blurring of boundaries within the parent-child relationship.
Seeking support and setting boundaries are important steps for healing and establishing healthier relationships.
Are narcissistic mothers jealous of their daughters?
Yes, narcissistic mothers are often jealous of their daughters.
She may feel threatened by her daughter’s youth, accomplishments, or potential for success.
This dynamic can lead to competition, undermining of the daughter’s achievements, and emotional manipulation.
Can a daughter of a narcissistic mother heal?
Yes, healing is possible. It often involves recognizing the mother’s narcissism, setting boundaries, seeking professional help such as therapy, and building supportive relationships outside the family.
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I grew up in a narcissistic family with a narcissist father who chose me to be the family scapegoat and my brother to be the golden child.