A narcissistic mother has a profoundly damaging effect on her daughter, inflicting serious psychological trauma on their child as she grows up. The impact on the children lasts well into adulthood, when they struggle with issues such as low self-esteem, difficulty making decisions, lack of trust in others and difficulty establishing healthy relationships with partners or friends.
Let’s explore the impact a narcissistic mother can have on her daughter, and how the adult child of a narcissist can cope with the effects of this kind of abuse.
The Narcissistic Mother
A narcissistic mother prioritizes her own needs and desires over those of her children. She will not hesitate to put her own daughter down, either directly or indirectly, in order to boost her own sense of self-importance.
The child’s needs are routinely neglected in favour of the mother’s, and their ability to assert themselves or voice their opinion is stifled. This kind of relationship can have a profound and lasting effect on the child’s personality, self-confidence and mental health.
A Narcissistic Mother Wants to Control her Daughter
A narcissistic mother will try to control her daughter’s decisions, feelings, and behaviors. She will offer unsolicited advice, criticize her daughter’s accomplishments, and put her down.
Narcissistic mothers may also manipulate their daughters by playing mind games, pitting them against each other, or trying to make them feel bad about themselves.
They may try to control their daughter’s appearance and body image or force them into activities they don’t enjoy. Ultimately, the goal is to instil a sense of unwavering and unthinking obedience and loyalty in their daughter. This, however, is achieved at the cost of teaching them independence, self-confidence and self-esteem.
A Narcissistic Mother Lacks Empathy
A narcissistic mother is often completely unaware or uninterested in her daughter’s emotions and struggles. She may be dismissive of her daughter’s feelings, or gaslight her by saying that her feelings are unjustified. This leads to the daughter feeling invalidated, invisible, and unheard.
The narcissist is also likely to hurt her daughter in other thoughtless ways, such as making critical comments or making it clear that she is not in the slightest way interested in her daughters progress and success. The result is that the child feels isolated, rejected and insecure in her relationship with her mother.
A Narcissistic Mother has Unrealistic Expectations
A narcissistic mother will often set unrealistic expectations for her daughter that no child can realistically meet. She will be quick to anger and belittle every accomplishment, even if it is exemplary, posing a constant threat to her daughter’s self-confidence. The lack of acceptance and love from this mother leads the child to continually question her worth, resulting in insecurity and damaged self-esteem.
A Narcissistic Mother and Her Daughter are Often Codependent
A narcissistic mother typically has an unhealthy codependent relationship with her daughter, characterized by emotional enmeshment, manipulation, and an extreme power imbalance. The mother manipulates her daughter to serve her every whim, while the daughter takes on an unhealthy level of responsibility to take care of her mother’s well-being.
The parentified daughter becomes painfully aware that she can never do enough to make her mother happy. No matter what the child does, it is never enough for their mother and no amount of effort is seen as satisfactory. As a result, the child loses any sense of autonomy and starts to believe that she is only valuable when she is pleasing her mother. This can lead to feelings of guilt, shame, and inadequacy that will last well into adulthood, impacting future relationships.
A Narcissistic Mother is Incapable of Unconditional Love
A narcissistic mother is unable to provide unconditional love and care for her daughter. Her selfish and self-centred nature means that she can only ‘love’ her daughter if she is successful, attractive or behaves in a way that meets all of the mother’s expectations.
The child is only seen as valuable if they are capable of reflecting on their parent in a good light. The psychological consequences of this type of upbringing can be devastating for the child, leading to fear, guilt and shame.
Narcissistic Mothers are Ambient Abusers
Narcissistic mothers raise their daughters in an atmosphere of ambient abuse (FOG), where emotional manipulation and psychological abuse are commonplace.
In these scenarios, the narcissistic mother will often take on the role of the victim, making it her daughter’s responsibility to ‘save her.’ The truth, of course, is that this is nothing but a strategy, playing on her daughter’s love, powerlessness and guilt in order to manipulate her into always doing her mother’s bidding.
Daughters trapped in this constant ambient abuse experience extreme loneliness and emotional deprivation, resulting in long-lasting damage to their mental and emotional health.
Narcissistic Mothers are Jealous of Their Daughters
A narcissistic mother is often jealous of her daughter. Instead of nurturing and supporting her child, the narcissistic mother will compete with her. This is because she sees her daughter as a threat. The idea that her daughter might become more beautiful or successful than her is more than she can stand.
This is why such narcissistic mothers are so critical of their daughters. They berate them and criticise them, in the process destroying their self-esteem. They may even tell their daughters that they are too fat, or too thin, or too pale. Nothing is too hurtful or out of bounds when it comes to “putting their daughter in her place.”
The Long-Term Effects of Growing Up With a Narcissistic Mother
Growing up with a narcissistic mother can have a damaging and long-lasting impact on the emotional and mental health of her daughter.
This kind of relationship can lead to various psychological issues that persist into adulthood, such as feelings of insecurity, low self-esteem, emotional instability and difficulty in forming meaningful relationships.
In extreme cases, it can even result in depression or anxiety disorders.
Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers form a fearful avoidant attachment style
A narcissist mother does not express unconditional love and affection to her daughter. As far as she is concerned, her daughter is simply an extension of herself and exists to meet her needs. She may even see showing her any kind of love or affection as a sign of weakness.
As a result the child does not feel safe or secure in her relationship with her mother, so she learns to protect herself by distancing herself emotionally. This leads to her forming a fearful avoidant attachment style, which she unfortunately carries with her into adulthood.
The impact of a fearful avoidant attachment style in adulthood can be significant. Individuals with this attachment style often have difficulty trusting others and bonding with them. They have a deep fear of rejection and abandonment, and as a result, they find it difficult to let anyone get too close.
They also find it difficult to open up and share their feelings, and are hypervigilant and constantly on guard. This puts a lot of pressure on their relationships and can make it very difficult to sustain them, leading to a cycle of unhealthy relationships where the individual is constantly searching for something that they are afraid they will never find.
Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers have difficulty setting boundaries
Another impact of having a narcissistic mother is that her daughter will have difficulty setting boundaries. Narcissistic mothers expect their daughters to meet their every need and will get angry or sulky if they don’t. In fact they often want to live vicariously through their daughters and will push them to achieve things that their mothers were themselves never able to.
The result is that the daughter grows up feeling guilty if she says no or sets any kind of boundary. She is trained to feel guilty for disappointing her mother if she doesn’t do what she wants or meet her expectations. This often leads to the child becoming a people-pleaser who struggles to assert herself. As a result, when the girl grows up, she will tend to find it difficult to say no to people in general, which of course leads to problems in both her personal and professional life.
Daughters of narcissistic mothers also often have difficulty setting boundaries with their own children. They may find themselves constantly giving in to their demands, even when they are not really sure if it is the right thing to do. The result is that they can end up feeling overwhelmed and resentful, and their own children may also struggle to develop a healthy sense of self-esteem and boundary setting skills. Thus, the intergenerational trauma gets passed on from one generation to the next.
Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers are at Risk of Becoming Codependent
Daughters of narcissistic mothers often struggle with seeking approval from others due to lack of approval from their mothers growing up. They have difficulty forming healthy relationships as adults because they are constantly looking for the validation that they were never given by their mothers during childhood. This need for approval can lead them down unhealthy paths such as trying too hard at work or giving into bad relationships just for the sake of companionship.
In fact, one of the dangers of being raised by a narcissistic mother is that you can become codependent. Codependency occurs when you have an unhealthy dependence on someone else, usually someone who is emotionally unavailable or abusive. The result is an unhealthy and unbalanced relationship where one person is always giving and the other is always taking.
Codependency usual starts in childhood, when a child has an emotionally unavailable or abusive parent. The child learns that it is their job to keep their parent happy, so they become overly compliant and accommodating. They may even feel responsible for their parent’s happiness and go out of their way to try and meet their needs.
When they grow up, these codependent daughters of narcissistic mothers become more vulnerable to unhealthy relationships and inner struggles. They often struggle to trust their own judgment, or even recognize their own needs.
As adults, they find themselves seeking approval from others in unhealthy ways, such as indulging them in inappropriate requests or sacrificing their own boundaries out of a need to please. They may also experience difficulty expressing emotion, leading to a suppressed anger that can lead to depression or anxiety.
Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers are at Risk of Becoming Narcissists Themselves
One of the most damaging things about having a narcissistic mother is that her daughter is at risk of becoming a narcissist herself. This is because she has learned from her mother that the only way to get love and attention is to be perfect.
She has also learned that it is acceptable to use people to meet her own needs, and that it is okay to manipulate and control others. As a result, she may begin to display narcissistic traits such as entitlement, a lack of empathy and an inability to take responsibility for her own actions.
She may also find herself attracted to partners who are narcissistic, as they will be able to understand and relate to her in a way that other people can’t. This can lead to a cycle of unhealthy and abusive relationships, since narcissists are not able to form healthy emotional bonds.
It’s important for daughters who were raised by narcissistic mothers to learn how to recognize these behaviours in themselves and others, so that they don’t repeat the same patterns later on in life.
Learning how to build healthy boundaries and practice self-care are also essential steps towards healing from this type of upbringing and developing into an emotionally mature adult capable of forming positive relationships with other people.
How to Deal with Your Narcissistic Mother
If you think that your mother might be a narcissist, it can be hard to know how to deal with her. It is important to remember that you don’t have to put up with any kind of abuse or manipulation, and that you are not responsible for her behaviour.
Setting boundaries is essential in order to protect yourself from further hurt or manipulation. This can mean learning to say “no” when she tries to control you, or refusing to engage in any kind of emotional manipulation.
Practice being assertive in your communication with her. Stand up for yourself and don’t let her walk all over you. It can be difficult, but it is important to remember that you have value and worth, even if she doesn’t recognize it.
Avoid getting into arguments with her. It’s unlikely that you will be able to change her mind, and you’ll just end up feeling frustrated and resentful.
Finally, focus on taking care of yourself. Make sure to nurture your own needs and feelings. Do not allow yourself to get emotionally drained by your mother’s drama. Spend time with friends, practice self-care, and find hobbies that make you feel good about yourself.
Healing From The Trauma of a Narcissistic Mother
The trauma of growing up with a narcissistic mother can be difficult to overcome. Thankfully, there are options available to help you heal from the effects of being raised by a narcissistic parent.
Let’s take a look at some of these strategies that can help daughters of narcissistic mothers begin their journey toward recovery.
Acknowledge Your Feelings and Take Time for Yourself
The first step in healing from the trauma caused by a narcissistic mother is to recognize and acknowledge your feelings. It’s important to give yourself space and time to process your emotions without feeling ashamed or guilty about them.
Taking time for yourself allows you to reflect on your experiences, helping you gain clarity on what happened and how it has affected your life.
Find Healthy Ways To Express Your Emotions
Once you have acknowledged your feelings, it’s important to find healthy ways to express them. Writing down your thoughts and feelings can be an effective way to release any emotions that are pent up inside of you.
Talking with friends or family members who understand what you are going through can also be helpful in releasing any built-up emotions or frustrations.
Engaging in activities like yoga, meditation, or journaling can also help you work through any unresolved issues or traumas that may be causing stress and anxiety.
Seek Professional Help
It is usually the case that professional therapy is necessary in order for you to heal fully from your childhood trauma. Working with a therapist who specializes in treating individuals with this type of upbringing can provide invaluable insight into understanding the root cause of any issues related to your childhood experiences with your mother, as well as providing the tools necessary for long-term healing and growth going forward.
It is undeniable that the consequences of a narcissistic mother’s behavior on her daughter can be dramatic and life-altering. The mother’s words and actions can shape her daughter’s life for many years to come, affecting her relationships, work performance, overall perspective and self-worth. The lasting effects of this kind of upbringing can have severe consequences even in adulthood if not properly addressed.
However, it is possible for daughters of narcissistic mothers to learn coping mechanisms and healing strategies that can help them move past the pain of their upbringing. With guidance from qualified professionals, these daughters can find ways to create a more positive and fulfilling life away from the overpowering influence of their narcissistic mother. It is never too late to start taking control of one’s life and follow a path towards peace and self-acceptance.
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