10 Tactics Covert Narcissists Use in Arguments

Last updated on October 9th, 2024

Covert narcissists, unlike their overt counterparts, are not so easy to pinpoint. They have a knack for flying under the radar, cloaking their narcissism behind a facade of good behavior.

However, when arguments arise, their true colors often show. In this post we shall discuss 10 vicious things covert narcissists will say in an argument.

Typical Phrases Used By A Covert Narcissist

“You’re too sensitive.”

This phrase is a staple in the covert narcissist’s playbook, often used as a deflection tactic during arguments.

It serves multiple purposes, all aimed at undermining your self-confidence and distorting your perception of reality.

When covert narcissists say that you’re too sensitive, they are effectively invalidating your emotions and derailing the argument.

They’re suggesting that your feelings, reactions, or concerns are not just unwarranted but also exaggerated.

Moreover, it’s a subtle way for them to shift the blame onto you.

By painting you as overly sensitive, they try to divert attention away from their actions or words that may have caused hurt or upset.

“I never said that.”

Covert narcissists often employ this phrase as a form of gaslighting, one of their most potent tools of manipulation.

By denying their previous statements or actions, they create a sense of doubt and uncertainty in your mind.

This tactic is designed to undermine your confidence in your own memory, thus destabilizing your understanding of reality.

“You’re overreacting.”

This phrase is another favorite in the covert narcissist’s arsenal of manipulative tactics. By accusing you of overreacting, they aim to trivialize your feelings, deflect responsibility, and maintain control over the situation.

This tactic sidesteps their own accountability for the situation or issue at hand.

Instead of acknowledging their actions or words that may have triggered your response, they focus on your ‘overblown’ reaction, thus diverting attention away from their behavior.

“You always…” or “You never…”

Covert narcissists frequently use these sweeping generalizations as weapons of criticism and manipulation.

These statements are often exaggerated or outright false, yet they’re presented as undeniable facts.

In addition, these absolute statements leave no room for discussion or defense. They’re definitive, shutting down any possibility of nuance or exception.

This makes it particularly difficult for you to argue against such accusations, which is precisely what the covert narcissist wants.

“I’m only joking.”

Disguising insults or belittlement as humor gives them an easy escape route, allowing them to inflict harm while avoiding accountability.

The ‘joke’ often targets your insecurities, weaknesses, or mistakes, making you the butt of their humor.

This can be especially damaging because it not only undermines your self-esteem but does so in a way that’s difficult to challenge without appearing overly sensitive or lacking a sense of humor.

“Why can’t you be more like…?”

Comparisons are one of the things covert narcissists say in an argument to belittle you and make you feel inadequate, keeping you in a constant state of striving for their approval.

This tactic serves to undermine your self-esteem and self-worth.

By constantly comparing you to others, the covert narcissist gradually erodes your confidence, making you more susceptible to their control and manipulation.

You may find yourself continually trying to prove your worth, only to have the goalposts moved again and again.

Additionally, comparisons create a power dynamic where the narcissist sets the standards and judges your performance.

They position themselves as the arbiter of value, deciding who and what is worthy of praise. This reinforces their control over you and the relationship.

“I’m the victim here.”

Covert narcissists are masters of manipulation, and one of their favored strategies is playing the victim.

No matter the circumstance, they skillfully manipulate the narrative to present themselves as the aggrieved party.

They will twist facts, ignore context, and exploit emotions to paint themselves as the innocent party suffering at the hands of others.

This tactic serves multiple purposes, including deflecting attention from their actions, generating sympathy, and maintaining control.

“Nobody else thinks that.”

When a covert narcissist trots out the phrase “Nobody else thinks that” in an argument, they’re attempting to devalue your opinions and experiences by implying they’re out of step with the norm.

This can make you feel alone and misunderstood, which can lead to self-doubt and confusion.

You may start to question the validity of your thoughts and feelings, wondering if you’re overreacting or misinterpreting the situation.

Moreover, this statement serves to isolate you socially and emotionally.

It suggests that others, presumably people whose opinions you value, do not share your perspective.

This can make you feel alienated and unsupported, reinforcing the narcissist’s control over you.

In addition, by positioning themselves as the conduit for ‘everyone else’s’ opinions, the covert narcissist establishes a power dynamic where they hold the authority on what is ‘normal’ or ‘correct.

This allows them to manipulate your perceptions and responses to suit their needs.

“If you loved me, you would…”

Covert narcissists often weaponize love, conditioning you to link your actions with proof of your affection for them, and using it as a ploy to win an argument and bend you to their will.

They imply that your love should compel you to fulfill their demands, regardless of your own needs or boundaries.

This can create a damaging dynamic where you feel obligated to constantly prove your love through actions that primarily serve the narcissist’s interests.

“I’m sorry you feel that way.”

This seemingly apologetic statement is frequently employed by covert narcissists, but in reality, it’s a non-apology.

While it may initially sound like an expression of regret, it subtly shifts the responsibility onto you, insinuating that the issue stems from your feelings and not their actions.

The covert narcissist is essentially expressing regret for your emotional response rather than acknowledging any wrongdoing on their part.

In this way the narcissist cleverly avoids a genuine apology, which would require them to admit fault and take responsibility for their actions.

Instead, they shift the focus onto your reaction, subtly suggesting that you’re the one at fault for feeling hurt or upset.

This manipulative tactic serves to invalidate your feelings and experiences while absolving them of any guilt or accountability.

Moreover, this statement implies that your feelings are misplaced or exaggerated, reinforcing the notion that you’re overly sensitive or misinterpreting the situation.

How To React

Here are some strategies to consider when responding to the things a covert narcissist says:

Stay Calm and Grounded: Maintain your composure and avoid getting drawn into emotional manipulation. Responding from a place of emotional stability can help you navigate the conversation more effectively.

Set Boundaries: Clearly define your boundaries and stand firm in enforcing them. Covert narcissists may push boundaries to test your limits, so it’s crucial to assert yourself confidently.

Focus on Facts: Stick to the facts of the situation and avoid getting sidetracked by their attempts to distort reality. Present evidence or specific examples to support your perspective.

Avoid JADE (Justify, Argue, Defend, Explain): Refrain from justifying, arguing, defending, or explaining yourself excessively. Covert narcissists thrive on drawing you into circular arguments, so keep your responses concise.

Use Assertive Communication: Practice assertive communication by expressing your thoughts and feelings clearly and directly. Avoid aggressive or passive-aggressive responses that could escalate tensions.

Seek Support: If dealing with a covert narcissist becomes overwhelming, consider seeking support from a therapist or a trusted friend. Having a support system can provide guidance and validation during difficult interactions.

Final Thoughts

In conclusion, dealing with the things covert narcissists say in an argument requires emotional resilience, self-awareness, and a commitment to prioritizing your well-being.

By trusting your instincts, practicing self-care, seeking support when needed, and knowing when to disengage, you can navigate challenging interactions with greater clarity and confidence.

Carla Corelli

Carla Corelli, a writer, advocate, and survivor of narcissistic abuse, draws from her own upbringing with a narcissistic father to shed light on psychological trauma. Fueled by her personal journey, she pursued a degree in psychology and has dedicated herself to shedding light on the complexities of narcissistic abuse.
With over fifteen years of experience in writing and advocating for survivors, Carla is deeply committed to providing support, education, and empowerment to those who have endured similar trauma. Through her articles, Carla aims to offer a compassionate space for healing and growth, while advocating for greater awareness and understanding of narcissistic abuse.
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