Disarming the Toxicity of a Covert Narcissistic Grandmother

Last updated on October 7th, 2024

Grandmothers usually provide an invaluable source of stability, comfort, and guidance. But when a grandmother exhibits covert narcissistic traits, the situation becomes a lot more complex and a lot less stable and comfortable.

In this article, we’ll explore what covert narcissism is, how to recognize it in your own grandmother, and how you can protect yourself emotionally when dealing with the toxic tendencies of a covert narcissistic grandmother.

What is the Difference between Covert and Overt Narcissism?

Covert narcissism and overt narcissism are two different aspects of the same personality disorder.

Overt narcissists tend to be more open and explicit about their narcissistic traits, whereas covert narcissists may be more subtle in their expression of these traits.

Overt narcissists can exhibit a range of behaviours including grandiose self-absorption and an inflated sense of superiority.

They may also likely to be very entitled, expecting that the world will bend to their will, manipulating the people around them in order to get what they want.

In addition, they have a tendency to behave aggressively when their demands are not met.

Covert narcissists, on the other hand, may display behaviours such as passive-aggressiveness and a need for constant validation.

They can also be emotionally manipulative, using guilt tripping and shaming to get what they want without seeming to directly ask for it.

Additionally covert narcissists tend to devalue the people around them, seeing themselves as superior while denigrating their friends and partners.

While both types of narcissism are damaging to those around them, covert narcissists can be harder to spot, which enables them to manipulate the people around them without being detected.

The Most Common Characteristics of a Covert Narcissist

A grandmother who exhibits covert narcissistic behaviour can wreak havoc on family dynamics due to their tendency for manipulation and lack of empathy.

The following are some of the most common characteristics of covert narcissistic grandmothers and how to recognise them in your own life.

1. Passive-aggressiveness

A covert narcissistic grandmother will often express her feelings through passive-aggressive behaviour.

This might include subtle forms of manipulation or criticism, such as gaslighting, lying, or withholding information or resources from you while providing them to others.

She is also likely to constantly play the victim and never acknowledge any mistakes or wrongdoing.

To top it all, she will behave in a hostile or unapproachable manner when confronted.

These behaviours are designed to make you feel guilty for any issues between you – when in reality it is the grandmother’s manipulation and narcissistic tendencies that should be addressed.

2, Need for Constant Validation

Covertly narcissistic grandmothers are usually overly sensitive to criticism and tend to seek constant validation from those around them.

This often manifests itself as a need for constant attention, compliments, and praise – both directly or indirectly.

They are also overly sensitive to perceived slights, taking any criticism to heart and escalating matters unnecessarily.

3. Controlling Behaviour

A covert narcissistic grandmother feels the need to maintain control in all aspects of the family dynamic, particularly when it comes to decision-making and how people interact with each other.

Despite attempts to appear kind and generous, they will always try to manipulate the situation in order to suit their own needs and desires.

This may come in the form of making decisions for others without considering different points of view, criticizing others for their behaviour or opinions or using guilt to make people do as they wish.

In some cases, they may even go as far as isolating family members from each other or play them off against each other in a sick game of triangulation.

4. Projection of Negative Qualities onto Others

If a covert narcissistic grandmother is feeling insecure or anxious about something, she may respond by projecting her negative qualities onto someone else in an attempt to blame them for her own shortcomings.

This can take the form of verbal abuse such as belittling comments, insults and ridicule, or even physical abuse if left unchecked.

It is important to not engage in this type of behaviour and instead to recognize it for what it is – an attempt by the narcissist to shift the blame for their feelings away from themselves.

5. Emotional Manipulation

Grandmothers who are covert narcissists are experts at emotional manipulation, often using guilt or shame as weapons against anyone who dares challenge them in any way.

They may do this by blaming others for their own mistakes, making subtle comments designed to undermine someone’s self-esteem, or telling lies in order to get what they want.

This can leave the other person feeling powerless, helpless and ashamed of themselves, unable to stand up for themselves or fight back.

6. Lack of Empathy

A covert narcissistic grandmother lacks the ability to truly understand the thoughts and feelings of those around them due to her inability to emotionally connect with them on a deeper level.

While they may profess empathy for others, it’s not genuine.

Instead, this is simply a tool used for manipulation purposes – by appearing to understand or sympathize, they can more easily manipulate the emotions of their victims and gain control over them.

They may use this power to make demands or keep others from challenging their authority.

Protecting Yourself

Dealing with a covert narcissistic grandmother can be emotionally draining and complex, especially since her narcissism may be hidden behind a façade of kindness or victimhood.

Here are some strategies to protect yourself:

Recognize Manipulative Behavior: Understanding the signs of covert narcissism—such as passive-aggressive comments, guilt-tripping, and playing the victim—is crucial. Awareness helps you see through manipulative tactics and stay grounded in reality.

Set Firm Boundaries: Clearly define what behaviors you will and won’t tolerate. Communicate these boundaries assertively and stick to them. This might mean limiting the time you spend together or avoiding certain topics of conversation that trigger manipulation.

Emotional Detachment: Practice emotional detachment by not taking her actions personally. Remind yourself that her behavior is a reflection of her issues, not your worth. Keeping an emotional distance can help you stay calm and collected.

Seek Support: Talk to trusted friends, family members, or a therapist about your experiences. Having a support system helps validate your feelings and provides practical advice for managing interactions with your grandmother.

Limit Information Sharing: Be cautious about sharing personal information that she could use against you. Keep conversations neutral and avoid divulging details that might become ammunition for manipulation.

Prepare Exit Strategies: Have a plan for leaving the situation if interactions become too overwhelming. This might involve a polite excuse to end a phone call or visit, ensuring you retain control over your mental and emotional space.

By implementing these strategies, you can protect yourself from the effects of your covert narcissistic grandmother’s behavior, maintain your emotional health, and foster a more balanced and peaceful life.

Final Thoughts

Dealing with a covert narcissistic grandmother can be an incredibly difficult situation to navigate.

Understanding the signs and behaviour associated with covert narcissism is key to protecting yourself from their manipulation and emotional abuse.

It is also important to build healthy boundaries, avoid arguments, not feed their ego, and seek support elsewhere to assist with managing your relationship.

Ultimately, it’s important to remember that you are not responsible for how your grandmother behaves, and you are not responsible for her unreasonable demands, no matter how difficult the situation may seem.

Carla Corelli

Carla Corelli, a writer, advocate, and survivor of narcissistic abuse, draws from her own upbringing with a narcissistic father to shed light on psychological trauma. Fueled by her personal journey, she pursued a degree in psychology and has dedicated herself to shedding light on the complexities of narcissistic abuse.
With over fifteen years of experience in writing and advocating for survivors, Carla is deeply committed to providing support, education, and empowerment to those who have endured similar trauma. Through her articles, Carla aims to offer a compassionate space for healing and growth, while advocating for greater awareness and understanding of narcissistic abuse.
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